1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,890 Thank goodness that one wasn't recording. Are you ready? I'm ready. 2 00:00:20,940 --> 00:00:27,540 You're right, folks. Welcome to episode five of Breaking Down, Breaking Down. 3 00:00:27,580 --> 00:00:33,300 Do you know, before we go any further, did you know that on Apple Podcasts, you're not allowed 4 00:00:33,300 --> 00:00:42,100 to put the episode number in the title? No. Apple be Apple. Hi, everyone. I'm Wil. I'm Andy. 5 00:00:42,740 --> 00:00:44,180 We say Apple be Apple. 6 00:00:44,380 --> 00:00:46,140 I'm recording this on a MacBook Pro. 7 00:00:46,340 --> 00:00:51,620 We both have Apple Watches, and we both have iPhones on our person, and I've got an iPad right 8 00:00:51,620 --> 00:00:58,040 next to me, so the almighty power that remains, Steve Jobs, thank you so much, and we bless everything you've ever created. 9 00:00:59,180 --> 00:01:03,140 So, we've talked a little bit already about how we got to know each other. 10 00:01:03,400 --> 00:01:09,300 We've talked a little bit about life on Mental Health Ward, known as Bushy Fields, and one thing 11 00:01:09,300 --> 00:01:14,400 that I haven't mentioned, and I don't think you can answer this either, is that we are talking 12 00:01:14,400 --> 00:01:16,200 about one NHS trust here. Yeah. 13 00:01:16,460 --> 00:01:20,060 I don't know what it's like at any other one. No. No, we don't. 14 00:01:20,760 --> 00:01:27,320 The closest that I've got is there was a great student nurse who was doing a placement whilst 15 00:01:27,320 --> 00:01:34,920 we were both doing the same ward together, who explained how it was a little bit different in staffs. 16 00:01:35,360 --> 00:01:39,420 Mainly because they gave out free vapes for patients, which I think's a great idea. 17 00:01:39,700 --> 00:01:49,960 Not because vaping's good, but because it removes that whole situation of people begging for 18 00:01:49,960 --> 00:01:56,180 cigarettes, picking up nubs, stealing cigarettes, and everything else associated with that. 19 00:01:56,240 --> 00:02:00,460 Because, you know, if you're in intensive care in a hospital, you ain't going out for a cigarette. 20 00:02:01,020 --> 00:02:02,640 They're not going to wheel your head down. 21 00:02:03,380 --> 00:02:09,620 Although, you can get the vapes, of course, which don't have the vapour, whatever they're called. 22 00:02:09,960 --> 00:02:12,560 Then you've got the ones that I've got in my hand, for example. 23 00:02:13,200 --> 00:02:14,540 I thought that was good. 24 00:02:15,240 --> 00:02:22,100 This weird thing about mental health hospitals are, if you would, I don't know, walk down the 25 00:02:22,100 --> 00:02:29,380 street and have a heart attack or, I don't know, your appendix burst, you'd go to the nearest 26 00:02:29,380 --> 00:02:35,640 hospital and they'd fix you as best they could, and then they'll send you on your merry way. 27 00:02:37,080 --> 00:02:39,600 Mental health, you have to go to your local authority. 28 00:02:40,120 --> 00:02:49,760 So, it's a postcode lottery, and let's be honest, Dudley Council right now ain't got much money now. 29 00:02:50,240 --> 00:02:54,780 Neither has Wolverhampton, neither has Sandwell, and Birmingham has absolutely nothing. 30 00:02:55,540 --> 00:03:02,000 So, that creates a postcode lottery in itself, and it does mean that when you mix in bad management, 31 00:03:02,200 --> 00:03:07,480 like the old chief executive of Black Country Healthcare, who resigned about a month ago, you 32 00:03:07,480 --> 00:03:16,220 end up in a situation where patient care is lost, and I have come to a conclusion that when 33 00:03:16,220 --> 00:03:26,200 you combine some of these things together, it's maybe not even the doctors per se deliberately 34 00:03:26,200 --> 00:03:29,560 trying to make patients' life a nightmare. 35 00:03:30,120 --> 00:03:36,880 They're just being told, we have this much money, it costs this much a night for a bed, you've 36 00:03:36,880 --> 00:03:43,160 got to find a way of either turning patients over as quickly as you can, or you've got to find 37 00:03:43,160 --> 00:03:47,220 a way of saying no. Simple as that. 38 00:03:47,520 --> 00:03:55,680 Yeah, because it seems to be more and more, both when I was discharged, both from Rican Ward 39 00:03:55,680 --> 00:03:59,640 and most specifically in Clent Ward, there's not a real rationale. 40 00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:04,500 No, I like what the doctors say. Alright, it's understandable. 41 00:04:05,100 --> 00:04:06,940 We cannot fix your mental health in here. 42 00:04:07,880 --> 00:04:09,480 We're only here to help. 43 00:04:10,380 --> 00:04:14,560 But I was in, what, four weeks? It's time gone. 44 00:04:15,020 --> 00:04:17,460 That four weeks, I saw the doctor. 45 00:04:17,560 --> 00:04:22,420 He was a good doctor, half old. Four times. Nurses? 46 00:04:23,240 --> 00:04:25,640 A few good ones, yeah. 47 00:04:26,140 --> 00:04:28,720 But there is no help in there. 48 00:04:29,420 --> 00:04:39,660 No actual mental health specialists who could come along and you could say, or you approach 49 00:04:39,660 --> 00:04:49,640 them, they approach you, situation, if you're in a bad day, or you just needed a specific answer for something. You're right. 50 00:04:50,500 --> 00:04:54,440 And again, the same student nurse who worked up at Staff said that there'd be a psychologist 51 00:04:54,440 --> 00:04:58,700 on the ward every day, which is something that we didn't have. 52 00:04:59,140 --> 00:05:08,560 And yes, a lot of what patients like us need isn't necessarily something you can fix in an acute mental health hospital. 53 00:05:08,760 --> 00:05:11,980 They can look at medications, if they can even bother to get that one right. 54 00:05:12,940 --> 00:05:19,780 Um, they can do certain interventions, but it's a six month wait for CBT at the moment. 55 00:05:20,700 --> 00:05:23,860 Talking therapy, I will say, is a complete and utter waste of time. 56 00:05:24,380 --> 00:05:29,060 Not because of the fact that I don't want to engage with it, because of the fact that it is, 57 00:05:29,320 --> 00:05:34,260 let's spend 20 minutes going through these tick box exercises, where most of the time I'm in between the box anyway. 58 00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:39,860 Then focus on something very specific, which isn't necessarily about how you feel in that moment. 59 00:05:39,860 --> 00:05:45,340 And then here's something I found off Google. Yeah. Probably with American voices. Yeah. 60 00:05:45,760 --> 00:05:54,680 Paul, on my experience of talking therapy, tick box, oh, and let's see when we can get you back to work. 61 00:05:54,940 --> 00:06:01,240 Just because I've come out of mental, I'm not going to use that word, mental health, out of 62 00:06:01,240 --> 00:06:07,460 a specialist unit, let's say, are you automatically saying, because you've done four weeks, 63 00:06:07,460 --> 00:06:10,740 you got your medication, life's grand. 64 00:06:12,620 --> 00:06:17,500 I still feel shit, you know, some seven days out of, you know, a week. 65 00:06:17,600 --> 00:06:20,140 And then I could have a week, two or three days, okay. 66 00:06:20,300 --> 00:06:22,000 I'm at work, you got all that pressure. 67 00:06:23,560 --> 00:06:26,080 You're not sorted out your mental health properly. 68 00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:30,440 I've got 40 years to clear out of my head. 69 00:06:31,260 --> 00:06:34,000 So, and that's a lot of work I'm doing on my own. 70 00:06:34,560 --> 00:06:43,300 And with you and a really good nurse practice, you know, I've got at the moment, but then they, 71 00:06:43,560 --> 00:06:49,780 like the one I had from talking therapy, just because he had a miraculous recovery and he's 72 00:06:49,780 --> 00:06:52,140 got the job with them and doing this and that. 73 00:06:52,180 --> 00:06:54,020 He thinks everybody can do the same. 74 00:06:54,660 --> 00:06:59,660 It was about a step away from preaching the 12 step program. Yeah, basically. 75 00:07:01,840 --> 00:07:10,280 The thing that I want to pick up upon there is about, oh, you know, the number of times that 76 00:07:10,280 --> 00:07:14,900 I have done this in my commentary world, and I've been talking for about a minute about realizing 77 00:07:14,900 --> 00:07:16,160 that my microphone's been muted. 78 00:07:16,960 --> 00:07:19,940 So I'm going to have to add in a little bit there. 79 00:07:21,380 --> 00:07:26,680 So in some ways, he was almost preaching a 12 step program to you. 80 00:07:26,680 --> 00:07:33,500 Basically, you've been in bushy fields, you've had your medication for four weeks, you're on 81 00:07:33,500 --> 00:07:35,280 your medication now, you seem okay. 82 00:07:35,820 --> 00:07:39,160 Tick the boxes or you fail my criteria. 83 00:07:40,360 --> 00:07:42,660 Let's have a look what jobs you can do. 84 00:07:43,200 --> 00:07:46,520 And in both of our cases, we're both chefs. Yeah. 85 00:07:46,560 --> 00:07:49,580 And they say, oh, why do you want to go back into being a chef? 86 00:07:50,120 --> 00:07:57,270 Number one, the hours for being a is ridiculous, especially when you have to do what we call 87 00:07:57,270 --> 00:08:01,750 split shifts, where you work, maybe breakfast or lunch, get two hours a kit. 88 00:08:02,190 --> 00:08:04,190 And then you'd be back up to do dinner service. 89 00:08:04,910 --> 00:08:07,790 And also, it's a bloody stressful job. 90 00:08:08,210 --> 00:08:19,590 And the patient, unless you'm Gordon Ramsay. Yeah. Or that little twat. Jamie Oliver. Oh, God, Jamie Oliver. Christy Christy. 91 00:08:19,590 --> 00:08:26,330 Let's make a 15 minute meal that requires you to use 14 pans, everything out of a packet, and 92 00:08:26,330 --> 00:08:29,790 I can't even cut tofu properly. What a joke. 93 00:08:30,070 --> 00:08:34,050 The thing that I always find, you're the same as me. 94 00:08:34,350 --> 00:08:37,590 You're going to get your lift home in about 25 minutes. Yeah. 95 00:08:38,290 --> 00:08:39,750 It's great when we have time together. 96 00:08:39,770 --> 00:08:40,890 We don't do it every day. 97 00:08:41,770 --> 00:08:46,070 Because otherwise, we are going to get bored of each other's company and end up smashing each other around the face. 98 00:08:47,010 --> 00:08:52,770 But at the same time, there's a couple of things that come into play all at once. First one's loneliness. 99 00:08:53,810 --> 00:09:01,270 And that's not necessarily loneliness is in, you know, I want a girlfriend, I want to be around a load of friends. It's loneliness within yourself. 100 00:09:01,830 --> 00:09:03,370 Yeah, that empty sense of feeling. 101 00:09:04,170 --> 00:09:11,870 And then on top of that, you'll end up with a barrage of appointments for maybe different things. 102 00:09:12,490 --> 00:09:17,590 And you're repeating yourself over and over again. Yeah. 103 00:09:18,790 --> 00:09:21,410 To the point it's a case of can someone just type this up? 104 00:09:21,610 --> 00:09:27,190 I honestly thought at one point I was going to record it and just hit the play button on my phone. It got that ridiculous. 105 00:09:28,230 --> 00:09:32,290 And we talked a little bit about preparing people for society. 106 00:09:34,010 --> 00:09:38,070 One of the funny things is when they change your meds, and they completely changed my meds when 107 00:09:38,070 --> 00:09:42,270 I was last I actually only had two days worth of my new meds before I got discharged. 108 00:09:43,470 --> 00:09:46,590 Medication does not start to take effect that quickly. 109 00:09:47,130 --> 00:09:50,350 And you don't know what the side effects are that quickly either. 110 00:09:50,610 --> 00:09:53,750 Now, I remember the first time I was on tetralepam. 111 00:09:54,390 --> 00:09:57,030 I actually had to teach six hours that day. 112 00:09:57,550 --> 00:10:02,410 And I had one of the other lectures come up to me and said, have you been on some drugs or something? 113 00:10:02,490 --> 00:10:05,010 Because I was bouncing around like a rampant rabbit. 114 00:10:05,910 --> 00:10:09,010 And it was it was one of those massive changes. 115 00:10:09,950 --> 00:10:15,710 But the change in medication and getting your body stable is important. 116 00:10:16,350 --> 00:10:23,370 And also they say you're going to get a follow up within 72 hours. 117 00:10:23,670 --> 00:10:26,010 They say you're going to get two weeks worth of medication. 118 00:10:26,470 --> 00:10:29,790 In my case, that neither was true. Stop. Yeah. 119 00:10:30,010 --> 00:10:38,730 And the thing is, one of the things that upset me the most was because of the fact that I spent 120 00:10:38,730 --> 00:10:42,190 two and a half days over a weekend, you know, by myself. 121 00:10:43,590 --> 00:10:45,870 Almost no electricity at one point. 122 00:10:47,070 --> 00:10:50,750 Wondering what am I doing with myself because I've, you know, committed to try and get myself 123 00:10:50,750 --> 00:10:53,770 better and I feel as bad as I was when I walked in. 124 00:10:54,150 --> 00:11:02,150 I did revert back to drinking and then looking through my notes I got from my FOI requests from 125 00:11:02,150 --> 00:11:07,550 doctors to doctors, it wasn't a case of, you know, Will was intoxicated and therefore might 126 00:11:07,550 --> 00:11:10,530 not have remembered about the fact that we had this conversation. 127 00:11:11,190 --> 00:11:17,630 It turned into very derogatory language saying that I had been lying about things and that I 128 00:11:17,630 --> 00:11:20,130 was clearly acting in a manipulative way. 129 00:11:20,850 --> 00:11:27,610 Now, I have two states when I'd say that my mind and my body disconnect. 130 00:11:27,770 --> 00:11:37,410 The first one is just those manic episodes of depression when I kind of just forget about reality. Yeah. 131 00:11:37,410 --> 00:11:41,470 Like, I sometimes need to read the front pages of the newspapers five times just to remember, 132 00:11:41,690 --> 00:11:43,530 okay, what day is it? What's going on? 133 00:11:43,690 --> 00:11:47,870 I'm not gonna lie to you, the amount of times I've been, you know, shacked up in hotels or just 134 00:11:47,870 --> 00:11:56,430 sat there unable to sleep, watching the press report on Sky News about 12 times and still not having a complete grasp. 135 00:12:00,150 --> 00:12:11,370 It's as if, like, the engine's turning over but you've got no clutch control, no throttle control, no nothing. You're just static. 136 00:12:12,210 --> 00:12:21,830 And then, of course, the other one is when I get beyond that point, I use alcohol as a self-harming mechanism. I'll say it again. 137 00:12:21,950 --> 00:12:24,810 I use alcohol as a self-harming mechanism. 138 00:12:25,390 --> 00:12:31,490 So, we've actually been in the spoons together since I stopped drinking. 139 00:12:32,950 --> 00:12:41,390 As much as I hate them and Tim Martin as a chain, you can get unlimited coffee for £1.29. Great! Yeah. 140 00:12:41,390 --> 00:12:46,690 I sat in there for three hours on the MacBook, doing some work, had some chats with you, ended 141 00:12:46,690 --> 00:12:47,950 up walking around Dudley afterwards. 142 00:12:48,150 --> 00:12:50,830 I don't need to be in a pub to drink. 143 00:12:51,370 --> 00:12:57,310 In fact, when I'm in a pub, the last thing I want to do is I'd rather go into even a spoons 144 00:12:57,310 --> 00:13:06,910 to get, you know, some shark fin and chips or the worst cut of meat made out into a steak and chips. 145 00:13:07,470 --> 00:13:12,290 But for me, my alcohol becomes an issue when I've lost hope. 146 00:13:12,730 --> 00:13:16,090 And this is where the 12-step program might come in. 147 00:13:16,330 --> 00:13:22,270 You know, they say, step one, you admit that you're powerless over alcohol, etc, etc. 148 00:13:22,970 --> 00:13:25,530 Now, I'm not powerless over alcohol. 149 00:13:26,390 --> 00:13:32,050 I let alcohol then become the thing that controls me because I just want everything else to end. 150 00:13:32,530 --> 00:13:34,450 I'll be honest, I remember my birthday. 151 00:13:35,410 --> 00:13:42,170 This year, I was crashing somewhere in Wolverhampton, bottle of vodka in my hand saying, you're 152 00:13:42,170 --> 00:13:47,250 just looking up at the big man or woman upstairs saying, can you just make it all stop, please? 153 00:13:48,630 --> 00:13:51,870 You know, I would have said that probably with or without the vodka. 154 00:13:52,710 --> 00:13:55,770 But that was just my mood in that particular point in time. 155 00:13:55,810 --> 00:13:57,490 And the alcohol was just stopping it for me. 156 00:13:58,130 --> 00:14:04,010 I don't know how it works for you. Starts off steady drinking. Yeah. 157 00:14:04,010 --> 00:14:05,550 And then he goes full turbo. 158 00:14:06,410 --> 00:14:13,330 And I'll get the same. Yeah. Get to that point. The alcohol's controlling me. Yeah. 159 00:14:13,330 --> 00:14:18,590 And then he gets to that point. Drink, drink, drink. I won't eat. 160 00:14:18,970 --> 00:14:24,630 And I'll just constantly, from every minute of the day, it'll be drink, drink, drink, drink, drink. Yeah. 161 00:14:24,650 --> 00:14:29,190 And then to get to that point where I felt useless, waste of time. 162 00:14:29,850 --> 00:14:31,290 What the fuck am I doing here? 163 00:14:31,670 --> 00:14:33,710 May as well end it all. Yeah. 164 00:14:33,930 --> 00:14:38,710 And that's when I see myself and I think, oh, I need help again. Yeah. 165 00:14:38,710 --> 00:14:40,370 I mean, I'll be openly honest. 166 00:14:40,590 --> 00:14:48,610 I've had probably not so much as some of my people, but I've gone through 15 detoxes. Yeah. 167 00:14:48,710 --> 00:14:53,030 And it took that 15 times and the mental health review. 168 00:14:53,570 --> 00:14:57,030 And to be told, you have got mental health. 169 00:14:57,810 --> 00:15:05,870 And the alcohol is also not part of the issue, but is a self-medication issue. Yeah. 170 00:15:06,690 --> 00:15:10,510 Because I didn't know, generally, what the hell was going on in my head. 171 00:15:11,530 --> 00:15:13,430 Even from a kid, I knew it was different. 172 00:15:14,850 --> 00:15:20,590 When I was younger, it was that thing. Oh, you're a man. Man up. 173 00:15:21,090 --> 00:15:25,490 I hate that fucking saying, man up. Agreed. Men don't cry. 174 00:15:26,110 --> 00:15:30,910 It takes a fucking bigger man to cry than the biggest fucker in the street. Yeah. 175 00:15:30,950 --> 00:15:32,990 I don't cry at anything. 176 00:15:33,570 --> 00:15:37,930 Kick him in the bollocks, he'll cry. Yeah. Involuntary, but yeah. 177 00:15:38,890 --> 00:15:45,210 But, you know, being told that I had a mental health issue was the biggest help I ever had. 178 00:15:46,770 --> 00:15:51,730 The medication, yes, does help a bit, but it don't stop all the feelings. 179 00:15:51,870 --> 00:15:59,870 It don't stop that, like you say, dark nights, where you're in there, and all of a sudden, it's 180 00:15:59,870 --> 00:16:04,370 not like a fucking speedway, where it zooms on you. 181 00:16:04,510 --> 00:16:08,590 It just creeps up slowly, and then it bites you right in the balls. Yeah. 182 00:16:08,690 --> 00:16:10,870 Like reversing into a tunnel. Yeah. 183 00:16:11,010 --> 00:16:12,650 And there's no way out of it. 184 00:16:13,270 --> 00:16:16,210 You found a number, or can you phone back at nine o'clock? 185 00:16:16,990 --> 00:16:19,550 Fucking mental health doesn't start at nine in the morning. 186 00:16:20,470 --> 00:16:23,930 I'm already fucked up by nine o'clock in the morning, because I've given up. 187 00:16:23,950 --> 00:16:29,690 By that time, I've gone down to the bloody local, I know, off-licence by me. 188 00:16:30,310 --> 00:16:35,750 It's technically closed, but if you knock the little shutter door on the side, Alpen comes in 189 00:16:35,750 --> 00:16:38,630 the man, or you walk down to the garage. Yeah. 190 00:16:39,270 --> 00:16:44,530 Which, as you said elsewhere, why are they selling alcohol in a petrol station? It's beyond me. 191 00:16:45,330 --> 00:16:49,410 Or you've got your 24-hour supermarkets. Yeah. 192 00:16:50,390 --> 00:16:54,470 I mean, and the funniest thing is, at that time of the night, it's all self-service anyway, 193 00:16:54,490 --> 00:16:58,810 so you don't have to deal with the embarrassment of stumbling in, and buying a bottle of vodka, 194 00:16:58,950 --> 00:17:02,350 and putting it through a normal checkout, because the people working night shifts on the sales 195 00:17:02,350 --> 00:17:04,950 stand, they're just going to open the bottle and give it to you at that point. 196 00:17:06,610 --> 00:17:09,650 Would you like a glass of water? Yeah. No. 197 00:17:10,330 --> 00:17:11,690 It'll be gone in two minutes. 198 00:17:12,610 --> 00:17:17,470 And for me, I went down exactly the same road. I tried calling people. Yeah. 199 00:17:17,710 --> 00:17:22,030 Now, we do have a group chat, and, you know, I tried going into ED. 200 00:17:22,430 --> 00:17:27,270 I said that things weren't going well, and then, because I'd been in and out of the system, 201 00:17:27,350 --> 00:17:29,790 I said, yep, we're going to take you to Bushyfield. 202 00:17:30,010 --> 00:17:33,990 But at that point, I had no clothes apart from what I had on my back. 203 00:17:34,690 --> 00:17:39,070 I didn't have my wallet with me, didn't have anything, and I was like, I can't survive a week 204 00:17:39,070 --> 00:17:40,930 in there without access to all my stuff. 205 00:17:41,330 --> 00:17:47,890 And at this point, one of the things that I also do when I get really depressed is, rather than 206 00:17:47,890 --> 00:17:54,950 talking to the people who would give a fuck, I think to myself, I don't want to burden them with me issues. 207 00:17:55,790 --> 00:17:58,610 So, I stopped texting people in the group chat. 208 00:17:59,490 --> 00:18:03,230 I stopped, you know, talking to anyone at all. 209 00:18:03,510 --> 00:18:06,850 I mean, I've deleted most of my social media anyway, because it's a load of shit anyway. 210 00:18:07,510 --> 00:18:13,210 And I remember there was one time when you were like, well, get your ass back down to ED now. 211 00:18:13,990 --> 00:18:17,510 Next thing I knew, I ended up in a hospital bed because I'd collapsed at the bus station. 212 00:18:18,130 --> 00:18:24,130 They discharged me because, for some reason, I went from being not well to well. I don't know. 213 00:18:24,750 --> 00:18:31,250 And then it was about lunchtime, wasn't it? One lunchtime. 214 00:18:31,590 --> 00:18:34,910 I don't know why, but I just gave you a call. 215 00:18:35,230 --> 00:18:38,390 It was like, Andy, I really need help, otherwise I'm just going to end it. 216 00:18:38,390 --> 00:18:42,150 Actually, your word was, Andy, can you feed the cats? 217 00:18:43,810 --> 00:18:49,890 And as soon as I heard that, I thought, you're drinking again. Yeah. 218 00:18:50,070 --> 00:18:54,450 And when I came in, you was expecting me to bollock you. 219 00:18:54,870 --> 00:18:59,290 And all I said is, well, what are you doing? Yeah. 220 00:19:00,330 --> 00:19:04,570 And you, getting a conversation out of you, was not funny. 221 00:19:05,290 --> 00:19:08,350 It was like, OK, let's break this down. 222 00:19:08,670 --> 00:19:09,790 I've got what you're saying now. 223 00:19:10,550 --> 00:19:13,890 It was basically playing a word puzzle. Yeah. 224 00:19:13,890 --> 00:19:19,030 Is the easiest way to explain it. True. You know what, though? 225 00:19:19,030 --> 00:19:21,990 At least I was trying to be a responsible pet owner. 226 00:19:22,210 --> 00:19:28,150 I mean, yeah, I did get the cats fed and everything done, but the paramedics made me laugh. 227 00:19:29,310 --> 00:19:35,430 Whilst I was examining you, I was more interested in your bloody TV than what was going on. 228 00:19:35,770 --> 00:19:38,070 All the picture quality on this is brilliant. 229 00:19:38,290 --> 00:19:39,550 What make is it, by the way? 230 00:19:40,190 --> 00:19:43,630 We'll just sit here and watch this for a bit. Yeah. This is interesting. 231 00:19:44,590 --> 00:19:45,890 Check his blood pressure again, will you? 232 00:19:46,170 --> 00:19:47,290 Do you want me to do it? 233 00:19:47,290 --> 00:19:49,730 Well, I wouldn't do it. May as well. 234 00:19:49,870 --> 00:19:54,450 I don't even know what I was watching, because it would have either been Come Dine With Me or MasterChef. 235 00:19:54,450 --> 00:19:57,110 Yeah, it was Come Dine With Me. Yeah. 236 00:19:57,450 --> 00:20:04,450 And again, I go into that phase when I'll just end up watching rolling news coverage or TV. 237 00:20:04,990 --> 00:20:08,650 24 hours of Come Dine With Me or MasterChef or that. 238 00:20:08,890 --> 00:20:13,910 Actually, I need to turn on that TV and see if the MasterChef channel is still on there, because 239 00:20:13,910 --> 00:20:15,630 they're going to have to cut a lot of episodes out. 240 00:20:16,270 --> 00:20:22,430 And that was, for me, I don't remember much of this. I do. 241 00:20:23,090 --> 00:20:25,930 You eventually got me into some clothes. Yeah. 242 00:20:27,110 --> 00:20:28,110 How on earth did that happen? 243 00:20:28,970 --> 00:20:35,390 Me and this lovely paramedic trying to address you was, you know. 244 00:20:35,690 --> 00:20:38,730 I'd rather have wrestled a bloody gorilla at this point. 245 00:20:39,670 --> 00:20:49,170 I ended up wearing jeans that were four sizes too big, and eventually ended up in ambulance 246 00:20:49,170 --> 00:20:56,350 into my favourite place, the waiting room in the ED department at Good Old Russell's Hall. 247 00:20:57,050 --> 00:21:07,930 Now, somehow, the one thing I do remember is that somehow, in amongst all of this, I'm talking 248 00:21:07,930 --> 00:21:12,010 to the nurses at this point, trying to get you admitted. Yeah. 249 00:21:12,010 --> 00:21:14,810 We was having this great conversation. He needs help. 250 00:21:15,050 --> 00:21:19,030 He needs blah, blah, blah. Cool long story show. We turned round. He'd disappeared. 251 00:21:21,170 --> 00:21:24,050 Where the fuck's he gone? Tell me his name. 252 00:21:24,430 --> 00:21:26,610 I mean, where would he have gone? He ain't outside. 253 00:21:26,990 --> 00:21:32,930 Got no face on him. I've got cigarettes. I've got his wallet. Blah, blah, blah. I've got his phone. 254 00:21:33,110 --> 00:21:40,030 Next thing he comes walking back, hiking your jeans up, because they're nearly round your ass. Yeah. Round your ankles. 255 00:21:40,750 --> 00:21:42,210 With a can of coke in your hand. 256 00:21:42,350 --> 00:21:46,510 And the nearest coke machine is the other end of the hospital. Yeah. 257 00:21:46,530 --> 00:21:49,410 You couldn't even walk to the toilet in ED. 258 00:21:49,630 --> 00:21:51,570 But I somehow managed to make it. 259 00:21:51,570 --> 00:21:57,050 Halfway across the hospital and somehow used because the vending machines at that place ain't 260 00:21:57,050 --> 00:21:58,450 your standard touch pad anymore. 261 00:21:58,950 --> 00:22:02,470 It's you know, you need you need a master's degree in order to operate them. 262 00:22:02,610 --> 00:22:05,850 But I remember coming back and giving you a can of Pepsi. 263 00:22:06,370 --> 00:22:07,690 I bought one for myself. 264 00:22:08,070 --> 00:22:15,490 And the only other thing that I really remember was buying a trying to get something into my system. 265 00:22:15,490 --> 00:22:25,490 So I bought this horrible cream of chicken sandwich. No, the soup. Oh, the soup. Yeah. Yeah. And then almost. 266 00:22:25,650 --> 00:22:31,630 Well, I did kind of fall asleep on your shoulder to the point that many people thought we were in some lovely relationship. 267 00:22:32,090 --> 00:22:36,810 That was comical because I did actually play on that. Yeah. In there. Yeah. 268 00:22:37,210 --> 00:22:45,410 And the funny thing is, though, is that if we are going to send a message out to anyone from 269 00:22:45,410 --> 00:22:49,570 this episode, is that even when you think that no one's going to answer. 270 00:22:51,390 --> 00:22:52,950 Try give him a call. Try. 271 00:22:53,470 --> 00:22:55,970 Because there's always somebody there that will answer. Yeah. 272 00:22:55,970 --> 00:22:58,290 And it might not be a health care professional. 273 00:22:59,330 --> 00:23:03,590 It might not be someone who fully understands. 274 00:23:03,590 --> 00:23:08,530 I'm very lucky that you and I have a very similar life trajectory. Yeah. 275 00:23:10,050 --> 00:23:13,270 But of course, I wasn't going to bash down the neighbour's door. No. 276 00:23:13,550 --> 00:23:15,110 It has to be someone who you can trust. 277 00:23:15,530 --> 00:23:19,010 Oh, that'd be ironic, mate, trying to knock my neighbour's door. Yeah. 278 00:23:19,550 --> 00:23:20,770 They'd offer you a can. Yeah. 279 00:23:21,090 --> 00:23:22,470 Do you want a can? Yeah. 280 00:23:22,770 --> 00:23:24,790 Calm down, just have a can. Yeah. 281 00:23:25,770 --> 00:23:27,450 And that was one of those things. 282 00:23:27,650 --> 00:23:31,530 It's like, you know, because I remember that you started to text me getting worried about me. 283 00:23:31,530 --> 00:23:33,850 So I'd kind of fallen out of the group chat and everything. 284 00:23:34,950 --> 00:23:37,710 And it turned out to be, well, this person's wondering how I am. 285 00:23:38,990 --> 00:23:41,730 Is it safe enough for me to say that I'm not OK? 286 00:23:43,670 --> 00:23:51,230 I'd rather somebody found me and say they're not OK than lock themselves away and let it build 287 00:23:51,230 --> 00:23:52,790 up and build up to that point. 288 00:23:53,770 --> 00:24:02,870 They either make themselves really ill, which you did, or they do the ultimate thing, take their 289 00:24:02,870 --> 00:24:05,670 own life when there is no need to. Yeah. 290 00:24:05,690 --> 00:24:09,350 Because they think there's no one out there who cares. 291 00:24:09,750 --> 00:24:11,990 There's always somebody out there that cares. 292 00:24:12,990 --> 00:24:16,850 I'm lucky I've got family. I don't. You don't. 293 00:24:17,410 --> 00:24:20,230 Although, to be fair, I find that a blessing and a curse. Yeah. 294 00:24:20,230 --> 00:24:24,050 Because sometimes, you know, your family say, oh, talk. 295 00:24:24,270 --> 00:24:27,830 You can always talk to us. But not everybody. 296 00:24:29,010 --> 00:24:35,870 If you're like me, I don't particularly like talking to my family about my mental health issues. Yeah. 297 00:24:36,090 --> 00:24:38,810 I can't open up and tell you anything. Yeah. 298 00:24:39,190 --> 00:24:43,150 I might tell a couple of other people we know certain things. 299 00:24:43,390 --> 00:24:46,230 But me and you know each other that well. We sort of... 300 00:24:46,230 --> 00:24:47,810 I've got a sleep on your shoulder. 301 00:24:48,070 --> 00:24:49,990 We always got to third base. Yeah. 302 00:24:51,950 --> 00:25:02,210 But I can understand where people do not want to talk to their, say, wives or girlfriends or anything. 303 00:25:02,390 --> 00:25:04,810 Because they think I'm going to be a burden to them. Yeah. 304 00:25:05,170 --> 00:25:11,370 But then again, it might also make that relationship better. 305 00:25:12,470 --> 00:25:18,770 If they do open up, some people will understand. Some won't. I had a... 306 00:25:18,770 --> 00:25:21,650 I can't say my ex-wife didn't understand. 307 00:25:22,470 --> 00:25:24,790 But she thought it was just alcohol. Yeah. 308 00:25:24,810 --> 00:25:28,570 And she probably will still do. Yeah. Because that's her mindset. 309 00:25:29,290 --> 00:25:32,710 But there is other people out there you can talk to. 310 00:25:32,890 --> 00:25:37,250 I mean, it's Trisamaritans, different people. 311 00:25:37,990 --> 00:25:39,770 I'm there for a bit to help. 312 00:25:40,410 --> 00:25:48,810 But like you say, when we both said it, our demons started different times of the day. Nights. Yeah. 313 00:25:48,930 --> 00:25:52,470 It's not a 9 to 5. I wish it was. 314 00:25:53,590 --> 00:25:55,790 There was a little switch we could go. OK. 315 00:25:56,030 --> 00:26:05,090 Let's say one day of 9 to 5 would have been like we used to. Switch it off. Have a month off. Yeah. And be normal. 316 00:26:05,750 --> 00:26:09,890 And we actually, the mental ones, are the normal ones. 317 00:26:10,150 --> 00:26:11,370 The rest of the world are mental. 318 00:26:12,310 --> 00:26:17,870 We've got Donald Trump for that. So... Yeah, you're right. Trump will fix it. 319 00:26:18,430 --> 00:26:20,310 I still can't believe he did that. 320 00:26:21,070 --> 00:26:25,950 He should have added a cardboard cutter to Jimmy right next door to him. Yeah. 321 00:26:26,050 --> 00:26:29,350 I will say that for me a lot of it is seasonality as well. 322 00:26:30,530 --> 00:26:38,470 It's very ironic, and I didn't realise it until a couple of weeks later, that my sobriety date is my half-birthday. 323 00:26:38,610 --> 00:26:42,590 Now, I didn't start celebrating a half-birthday for a very long period of time. 324 00:26:43,090 --> 00:26:44,690 It just seemed to me that's the case. 325 00:26:44,750 --> 00:26:47,270 I will always remember when my sobriety date is. 326 00:26:48,010 --> 00:26:49,230 But at the same time... 327 00:26:50,110 --> 00:26:52,950 PHONE RINGS At the same time... 328 00:26:53,070 --> 00:26:55,510 And Andy's still in a fuck-up. Yeah. 329 00:26:55,510 --> 00:26:58,090 About the bloody time you did. Yeah. 330 00:26:58,830 --> 00:27:04,690 At the same time, for me, this time of the year, I talk about Christmas. 331 00:27:05,110 --> 00:27:09,730 Actually, the biggest thing for me this time of the year is that my favourite sport is always 332 00:27:09,730 --> 00:27:11,230 done again for another nine months. 333 00:27:12,110 --> 00:27:17,030 I'm an American football fan, but I'm a college football fan first, before the NFL. 334 00:27:17,390 --> 00:27:19,930 You get to December, yes, I've got bowl games. 335 00:27:20,150 --> 00:27:21,770 Yes, I've got the college football play-off. 336 00:27:21,990 --> 00:27:23,370 But that's just a tiny thing. 337 00:27:23,770 --> 00:27:26,410 And then after that, I've got no fun for the next nine months. 338 00:27:26,710 --> 00:27:28,290 So seasonality is a big thing. 339 00:27:28,290 --> 00:27:33,370 But I think the most important thing is that we've learnt, or we've discussed today, is don't 340 00:27:33,370 --> 00:27:36,130 be afraid to make that last message. 341 00:27:36,990 --> 00:27:42,730 Because it might not be the person you expect, but someone is going to pick up. 342 00:27:43,130 --> 00:27:47,950 And it is OK to say, I'm not OK. Yeah. Definitely. 343 00:27:48,550 --> 00:27:59,210 And that's the trouble we got with, not so much the younger generation, but my generation and later on. Men don't... 344 00:27:59,550 --> 00:28:03,490 What's the word I'm looking for? Show their emotions. 345 00:28:04,850 --> 00:28:07,250 Oh, no, no, you can't do that. 346 00:28:07,310 --> 00:28:09,910 You can't tell people you've got mental health issues. 347 00:28:11,510 --> 00:28:17,150 I like how people can't show emotions, but as soon as they walk to a football game... Yeah, they cry. They cry. 348 00:28:17,410 --> 00:28:19,150 Because, you know, you've got these... 349 00:28:19,830 --> 00:28:21,070 Eminy's on a football pitch. 350 00:28:21,310 --> 00:28:23,410 I don't watch football. 11 per team. 351 00:28:23,510 --> 00:28:26,030 Like, you've got 11 people. Yeah. 352 00:28:26,290 --> 00:28:29,170 One scores a goal, every fucker cheers, and they're all... 353 00:28:29,330 --> 00:28:30,550 Now, this is the thing. 354 00:28:31,030 --> 00:28:33,450 I see two blokes hugging each other. Oh, they're gay. 355 00:28:34,130 --> 00:28:36,750 Look how many fuckers in a football match. 356 00:28:37,870 --> 00:28:39,390 They're all hugging, kissing each other. 357 00:28:39,610 --> 00:28:41,290 Does that make them gay? No. 358 00:28:42,790 --> 00:28:44,930 And that's emotion, shall we? Yeah. 359 00:28:45,410 --> 00:28:50,030 So it's OK for them to do it in a football game, but outside, if you've got a mental health 360 00:28:50,030 --> 00:28:51,790 issue, you can't show emotion. 361 00:28:52,250 --> 00:28:54,610 I think that's a perfect place to wrap this one up. 362 00:28:55,690 --> 00:29:01,470 We live in a world of very contradictory lives, shall we say. 363 00:29:02,250 --> 00:29:03,130 We'll pick this one up again. 364 00:29:03,410 --> 00:29:08,050 Thank you so much for listening. I'm Wil. I'm Andy. Peace and love. Bye.